TALKING TO THE MOON

 Bruno Mars! Yes, you got it correct. It is his song. I tried to understand the main message of the song. Ah...missing someone. Every night, he misses the girl. He then sits by himself and talks to the moon.

 This title came across my mind as I was sitting in the car while my daughter was driving. The radio was on, but the sound was just a background of an empty silence that occupied the air. I told her what I had been facing lately...I turned to be so forgetful and sometimes I stood in front of the fridge not knowing what to do. She focused on the traffic. Of course she has to... who doesn't. The silence was back again. 

Then I brought up a topic about our family. I told  her that her sister was a bit bizarre this morning for no reason. She nodded gently and no word came out of her mouth. I began to feel a bit offended...not really offended actually but hurt to be precise. 

My mind was working very hard to find a topic that might be of her interest. But I got  stuck... and let the emptiness dangle and sway around my  hollow heart. The music which had been the background of our being together, then appeared as a leading focus. The sound of Bruno Mars was there...hey...that's me. I might be talking to the moon... 

THE BURN NETTLE

 One plant that add so much work on my garden is a wild plant called Urtica Dioica. I have to keep on removing them since they grow rapidly and wildly. Wikipedia mention it as common nettle, burn nettle, stinging nettle or nettle leaf, or just a nettle or stinger. It is a herbaceous perennial flowering plant in the family Urticaceae.  After touching the plant, the hair that grows penetrate my skin and stinging sensation immediately appears. The fine hairs on the leaves and stems contain irritating chemicals.  Despite of its benefit that can be used to treat various ailments  when properly prepared, I still do not want to have it grow in my garden.  

However my regular  interactions with this plant has brought me to an awareness of its growing behavior. I have some other flowers that I love to have and grow in my garden, wishbone flowers. The leaves are similar to the burn nettle. The nettle plant always grow nearby the wishbone plant. If you don't interact with them on the daily basis, you will hardly notice the difference between them. Another behavior that I observe, the nettle plant tend to hide among the rocks and make it hard for me to notice and remove them. 

I wonder if they both belong to the same family or they have similar growing habit that make them grow on similar spots. I wonder if I would like to spend some time on doing a small research on the benefit of the burn nettle. 

SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY

 

Learning to fly is a process. A bird can never learn to fly in a day. The bird is not the only reason that can make it fly. There are many other reasons to consider. The techniques of flapping their wings, the wind that helps them to take off and  land and   the parents that keeps their eyes on them and motivate them throughout the process. 

God has granted me two beautiful wings. Along my ways I learn how to use them both. Technically I manage to survive. I spread my wings and fly. I am so proud of my achievements, of all the processes that I managed to tame. But life is not just about conquering the process. There are many unseen battles that need to be tamed. Those battles are not written in any books that claims to be the book of knowledge. I only know one thing, I have to sit quietly and put the battle on my lap, learn to accept it, and carry it on my shoulders. 

BROTHER

We received two other sad news a couple of days ago...right before Christmas. I texted my brother right away, informing him the sad news. He did not respond. I tried to believe that he had not read my message, although I knew he did. After a couple of days, I tried to call him...he did not pick it up. I tried again...and again...still nobody responded to my calls. I felt so sad, because there were only the two of us left. Yet, I had to appreciate his choice for not communicating with me...for no reason. 

I remember a couple of years ago. When our mom was sick. I wanted him to call mom. He did not do it. Mom had been sick for almost a year. She lost her weight until she turned as skinny as a beanpole. He did not care. I wonder if he remembers what my mom had done for him and turned him into what he is today. 

I pushed him to call mom on her last moments. He finally talked to mom. It did not take long for mom to take her last breath.

Those moments came across my mind like movie scenes. They brought my sanity back and I told myself, if he could do it to ma, he would do it to me. So take it...do not try to understand, just carry it. 

If you have a chance to read...read my message below:

 

RECOVERY

I am amazed myself to realize that I have been doing my diabetes recovery program for 7 days. I am not allowed to consume any product from plants, be it veggies or fruit. So the only consumable food for me is protein. However, this process is also combined with the ability to do intermittent fasting. Prior to fasting I consume 6 eggs and fish. On the second day I ate fish,yes only fish. Then I have to fast and for my case I have to do 24 hours fasting.  Then I started consuming eggs and fast for 24 hours. I break my fast at 12.00 and eat eggs.... There are times when I add Kefir Milk and advocado... but that happened only once. Today... I dont even feel hungry...despite the facts that I eat only two eggs and a glass of kefir milk. When I say it's all about me, yes....it's my suffering from consuming medications for years, it's my suffering from fasting and consuming  eggs that lately has almost made me throw up. In the end it is also me who benefit from it. I will continue this journey for another 3 weeks. 

TIRED MODE ON

 I'M SO SO SO TIRED...

IT'S ANOTHER DAWN

 When I first started my new life I believed that life was going to be good. Just like the rainbow that emerges after the rain. That was my belief. So I began the little steps leading me to a place where the rainbow is expected to come into view. 

The journey was not effortless. Sometimes  the roads that I travelled were amusing,  but some other time I had to be confronted by challenges.  When life is fun I enjoyed it and believe that the rainbow is in the adjoining space.  But When I am absorbed by the gravitational power and sunk into the bottomless well  I question my belief and ask if  my destiny to discover the rainbow is valid.  

The pictures of my past came into view. My mom the one that had always stood by my side brought so many alluring magic. I saw her as the lady with the magic wand who touched the roads that I had to travel and turned my journey to a peace of mind. I could never get rid of the beautiful thoughts that she had brought into my life. Her partner however was the pain that I had to encounter. I put them both in each of my hand. Try to weigh the justice that came  into my life, then I realize that I had more than I could ever ask. 

My children were sitting in the row next to my mom. The bliss was beyond words. When they were little, I could not help missing them not even for a single second. They have brought so many sunshine and made me dance through all the moments. I have to admit that there were cases in which they brought me down. But, my love for them is  vast and tremendous and I hardly see the impact in a longer perspective. But my companion was so insignificant that make me walk on the trails aimlessly. I expect to see his hands to lift me up when I fall, but all I get is a trial and nasty judgements. So I have long decided to walk on my own path to the rainbow with the three pairs of hands clinging on me. When I looked at this picture I realized that God's work is so real in my life. I am blessed.  

Is the rainbow real? I believe it is real. I only have to spot it. I expect to have a rainbow at the end of my journey and forgot the fact that I have encountered so many rainblows in my life. Rainbow always pops up after the rain and they do after each rain.  The dawn is breaking over the horizon, the rain will soon fall. I need to take a little sleep before it withers and give its way to the rainbow.  Wake me up when the dawn is over. 

MENJEMPUT KEBAHAGIAAN

 Harum sabun cap tangan di baju hasil jahitan tangan mama sesekali menyeruak ke udara. Rambut basah yang kadang masih meneteskan air rapih tersisir. Kami melompati papan-papan yang dijadikan ambalan rel kereta api dengan cekatan. Setiap jengkal rel melekat erat dengan perjalanan kami. Rel kereta ini yang setiap sore mengantar kami menjemput kebahagiaan.

Setiba di jalan raya kami berdiri di tepi jalan di seberang Masjid terbesar. Pada saat itu hiruk pikuk lalu lintas sore tidak sekejam sekarang. Dua pasang mata kami  menyisiri lalu lalang kendaraan mencari kebahagiaan yang menjelang. Ketidaksabaran menggelegak dalam penantian. Ketika kendaraan yang dinantikan tiba, kami sigap melangkah  dan  mengambil posisi terdekat di pintu kendaraan.

Sosok Mama muncul dari dalam kendaraan. Dengan sigap kami merebut tas yang berada di tangannya. Acapkali kepala kami saling berantukan ketika akan menggapai kebahagiaan di dalam tas. Siapapun yang terlebih dahulu menjangkau kebahagiaan tersebut dengan segera menariknya keluar. 

Kami berjalan menggenggam erat kebahagiaan di satu tangan dan lengan mama di tangan lainnya. Kami berjalan melewati jalur berputar yang lebih berjarak. Perjalanan tersebut terasa sangat singkat karena ada banyak cerita yang terus dihamburkan. Cerita yang semakin berdesakan di bibir setiba kami di rumah. Gurat lelah yang tergores di wajah Mama dan sisa-sisa bulir-bulir peluh di keningnya tidak dapat menghentikan cerita yang terus diriwayatkan.  Hingga gelap yang menjelang menjadi tanda bahwa cerita harus berakhir. Mama beranjak untuk membersihkan diri dan beristirahat di pembaringan. Kami tergolek di sisinya menatap langit-langit kamar...diam tanpa kata hingga kantuk menjemput. 

Kebahagiaan  tergolek tak tersentuh di meja dapur.  Serangga malam siap-siap berpesta di atas kebahagiaan. Entah mengapa kebahagiaan yang berwujud sepotong kue atau buah tangan itu kami tinggalkan. Mungkin kebahagiaan memang tidak harus berwujud.

Selamat hari Ibu untuk Mama yang selalu ada meskipun telah tiada.